Why Do Decent, Intelligent People Have Hidden Values Conflicts?
by Leslie Godwin, MFCC
www.LeslieGodwin.com
When I was young and naive, I figured that there were two types of people: there were people with decent values who cared about others, and then there were greedy, selfish types who didnsup1;t seem to care much about anything beyond their own skin.
As you can imagine, that simple but shallow point of view didn't help me understand the world very deeply, so I launched into an ongoing search to understand people and their motivations, which has continued to evolve.
I found that good people can hold values that conflict with their other values or priorities. These conflicts are usually hidden, since we rarely closely examine each of our fundamental beliefs. We do, however, feel stressed when these hidden conflicts inevitably clash. Feeling that stress is the best clue that you need to take a look at them.
MY HIDDEN VALUES CONFLICT:
I used to value being successful in a way that my parents and the outside world could immediately understand and respect. I also used to value being appreciated by people I didnt even respect, as well as those I did respect. (I just really wanted everyone to like me!)
Was I a good person? I think so. Was I good at what I did? Yes. Was I developing a deeper sense of who I was? No. In fact, I didn't articulate that as a value at the time, since I was concerned with how other people saw me and with achieving traditional success. Self-awareness became a critical value, and it conflicted with wanting everyone to like me, or with becoming rich and famous.
We are each unique in many important ways, so my story does not contain some kind of fundamental Truth that will resonate with every individual. But it did help me create a method for helping good and moral people understand that they probably have hidden values conflicts that may sabotage their best and most sincere efforts to be successful on their own terms.
DOES THIS RING TRUE IN ANY WAY FOR YOU?
Have you noticed a clash in values that has caused you to feel stressed? Other examples of values conflicts that many of us have struggled with at some point include:
being an overinvolved son/daughter vs. a good spouse or parent
earning more money vs. having more time for family and ourselves
keeping the house spotless vs. taking more time for personal growth
keeping others happy no matter how unreasonable their expectations vs. turning down requests from people who wonsup1;t be happy no matter what you do
upholding your idea of ethical behavior vs. being a loyal employee/volunteer
There are ways to resolve these differences without eliminating one side of the conflict -- in fact, getting rid of one side is the best way not to resolve the conflict if you define "resolve" as coming up with a higher-level understanding and coming to an inner peace with the issue or personal belief.
I've found that once I understand where the conflict lies, that I can make a conscious effort to back up my true value. If I value being a mom first, then I will try to stop myself from feeling deprived that we can't go on regular vacations. Or if I value my husband telling me the truth when I ask him for feedback, I can't feel like a victim if he doesn't agree with my latest "bright idea." (I still wish he wouldn't critique my new sweatsuit with the fake fur around the collar. I guess I can't pick and choose where I want the truth from him.)
When you re-examine your values, and consciously make choices that back them up, yousup1;ll find you're a lot less stressed because of the hidden values conflicts that can sneak up on you.
Leslie Godwin, MFCC, is a Career Life-Transition Coach specializing in helping people put their families, faith, and principles first when making career and life choices. Leslie is the author of, "From Burned Out to Fired Up: A Woman's Guide to Rekindling the Passion and Meaning in Work and Life" published by Health Communications. For more information, go to
www.LeslieGodwin.com
. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
